One of the most difficult parts of a divorce is figuring out how to tell your children. No parent wants to hurt their child, but in high-conflict divorces, kids can sometimes become unintentional pawns—used to express anger, gain leverage, or “win” in the eyes of the court. So how do you avoid that?
Start with this: Your children should never feel like your divorce is their fault—and they should never be asked to take sides.
As a family law attorney in Freehold, I often tell my clients that it’s a good idea to seek the help of a therapist or divorce coach. These professionals can guide you on what to say, how to say it, and how to respond to your children’s emotions in a healthy way. Every child is different, and their reactions will vary, but a calm, unified approach from both parents is key.
Present a United Front
No matter how upset you may be with your spouse, your children deserve a message of stability. That means telling them about the divorce together, if possible, and delivering a consistent message:
- This is a decision made by both parents.
- It is not your fault.
- And both of us love you.
Even if one of you initiated the divorce or feels blindsided by it, sharing that with your children won’t help them—it may only create confusion, guilt, or a sense of divided loyalty. As hard as it may be, this is a moment to set aside blame and present yourselves as a team when it comes to parenting.
When I was clerking for Judge Kondrup-Coyle in the Family Division of the Superior Court of New Jersey, Monmouth County, she would remind divorcing parents in the mandatory parent education class that children often see themselves as half mom and half dad. When one parent blames the other, it can make the child feel like something may be wrong with them. That is a heavy emotional burden for any child to carry.
Avoid Making the Child the Decision-Maker
Another common mistake, often made with the best intentions, is giving the child too much say in parenting time, especially very young children. For example, if a child says, “I don’t want to go to dad’s this weekend,” and the response is, “Okay, I will tell him you’re not coming,” the child is now caught in the middle. They have become the decision-maker in a situation where they don’t have the emotional tools to handle the pressure.
Letting the child “decide” where to go puts them in an impossible position:
- “If I say I want to see dad, will mom be mad?”
- “If I don’t go, will dad be disappointed?”
Of course, a child’s age, maturity level, and needs are important to the case.
Even when you think that you are being flexible, it can create anxiety and internal conflict. Instead, decisions about custody and parenting time should be made between the adults—then presented as a plan that you both support.
Keep Working Together—Even After Divorce
This message of unity should not stop after the initial conversation. If you want to protect your child’s mental and emotional health, you need to work together on decisions about school, activities, holidays, and more. This shows your child that while your marriage has ended, the parenting partnership is still strong.
This kind of cooperation is easier when you have support. Working with a divorce coach or mental health professional can help you learn important co-parenting strategies. It’s not just about managing your own stress—it’s about learning how to make decisions that protect your child’s well-being, both now and in the long term.
How you handle your divorce will shape your children’s experience in powerful ways. Presenting a united front, avoiding blame, and not making them choose between their parents are important steps. If you are unsure how to work through these conversations, don’t hesitate to bring in a professional who specializes in child and family mental health.
If you are going through a divorce in Freehold, NJ, and want guidance on protecting your children during the process, Andrew Fischer is here to help. With his years of experience in family law and a commitment to child-centered solutions, he can guide you through divorce in a way that protects both your legal rights and your child’s emotional well-being.
Andrew R. Fischer is a compassionate and experienced family law attorney based in Wall Township and Freehold, NJ, dedicated to guiding clients through divorce and custody matters with integrity and a focus on amicable, cost-effective solutions. If you are in Monmouth County, Middlesex County, or Ocean County, New Jersey, and thinking about divorce, talk to a family law attorney who understands both the legal and emotional challenges involved. You deserve a process that protects your peace of mind—and your wallet. Reach out to Andrew Fischer today at 732.865.6653.
My passion for family law stems from when I was a law clerk to the Honorable Teresa A. Kondrup Coyle, the most experienced family law judge presently sitting on the bench in the Superior Court of New Jersey, Monmouth County. During my tenure with Judge Coyle I read through and analyzed hundreds of lawsuits between divorced couples. I watched the stress and trauma caused by trials and litigation. I saw what worked, what didn’t, and developed an unmatched understanding of how cases are decided by judges in Court.
I continue to hone my knowledge of my practice areas through memberships in several professional organizations, including the New Jersey State Bar Association, the Ocean-Monmouth Family Law American Inns of Court, Monmouth Bar Association, the New Jersey Association of Professional Mediators, and more. In addition to being a licensed New Jersey attorney, I have received Certification from the New Jersey Association of Professional Mediators’ 40-hour divorce mediation program.
Armed with both practical family law experience and specialized knowledge, I’m confident that I can help you and your loved ones resolve your family law issue. I realize that these sensitive matters require exploring all your options and carefully selecting a legal professional whom you can trust to move your case forward with compassion and diligence.
