Dealing with Divorce During the Holidays

As a trained mediator and divorce attorney in Freehold, NJ, I know how difficult and emotionally-ridden the holidays can be, especially if your divorce is fresh. Holidays can be especially stressful. On top of all your regular responsibilities like working and taking care of your kids, you also have to worry about arranging your kids’ holidays, dealing with difficult in-laws, feeling a sense of loss from not being able to take part in holidays traditions, shopping amid huge crowds, bad weather delays and cancellations, and difficult emotions. Here, we’ve prepared ten tips to help you make the most of this holiday season so that you cannot only survive it, but actually enjoy it!

Make a Plan 

Whether you’ve been divorced for five years or you just separated, it is important that you make a clear plan related to the holidays and when each parent will get the kids. Ideally, you and your (former) spouse will be able to make this plan together. If nothing else, you can spell it out in writing and show how the plan coincides with your custody agreement. A simple letter may summarize details such as:

• Which days each parent will have the children
• Where drop-offs and pick-ups will occur
• What happens in the event of snow days or school closures
• Where the children will be staying if you are planning on heading out of town 

Even if you and your ex communicate okay, holiday planning can be complicated, so clarity is key. 

Communicate the Plan 

Once you know the plan, you can communicate it to your children. If your kids know what to expect, they may be in better spirits and not focused on you and their other parent not being together. 

Focus on What’s Best for Your Children

When you are co-parenting, one important metric that you can always focus on is what is best for your children. You may have bad blood with your ex, but if you can put aside these negative emotions, your children will be better off. The goal should be for your children to enjoy spending time with both parents, not trying to one-up them in a competition for your children’s love. New Jersey consists of both physical and legal custody. Physical custody

Get Emotional Support

Just because you’re focused on what’s best for your kids doesn’t mean you have to try to deal with everything alone. Divorce can bring up complicated emotions, like grief, anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, and more. Get the emotional support you need from friends, a support network, or a therapist. 

Make the Most of Non-Custodial Time

Your custody agreement probably splits up the holiday season so that you get your kids part of the time and your ex gets them the rest of the time. The time away from your kids can be hard, especially during the holidays. However, this doesn’t mean you have to sit at home alone, depressed. Try to get out and enjoy the holiday by meeting up with friends you haven’t seen in a while, going on a date, taking part in religious activities, and sharing holiday experiences with other loved ones. This can be a great distraction and can help you keep your spirits up until it’s time with the kids!

Be Nice

While it’s difficult, it’s essential that you be civil and respectful toward your co-parent. You and your ex both love your children. Even if you can’t agree on anything else, you can agree on that. 

Make New Traditions 

If old holidays traditions aren’t feasible after the divorce or they cause too much pain or sadness, think of new traditions you can do with the kids. Traditions help create a family connection and form memorable experiences within your family. Some options to consider might include:

• Making baked goods
• Going holiday shopping together
• Driving around to see the lights
• Making hot cocoa together 
• Camping outside
• Exchanging handmade gifts
• Completing community service together
• Visiting loved ones
• Making decorations together 
• Going ice skating
• Watching holiday movies together
• Reading a holiday book to your kids

Do Something Nice for Someone Else

One of your new traditions may be to do something nice for someone else. You can do this with or without your children, depending on the schedule. Helping others often helps to lift our own spirits. Some quick suggestions:

• Host a food drive for the hungry
• Volunteer at a shelter
• Participate in charity work
• Visit nursing home residents
• Spend time with another single parent to keep them company

Focus on the Connection 

It can be easy to get lost in the commercialism of the holiday season. But, kids will probably quickly forget the presents before the snow has melted. However, they will likely remember the connection they form during holiday breaks with their parents. Focus on this connection during the holiday to truly enjoy the spirit of the season. 

Talk About It

Don’t let the divorce be the elephant in the room. Let your children express themselves and their feelings. This can be a difficult time of the year, so try not to force your kids to force feeling happy when they’re really feeling sad. Give them the chance to talk through their feelings and even to sit in them for a while.

Get Help with Your Divorce Today

The holidays can be a tough time, but you can still have a happy holiday season this year with your kids. If you run into some problems with the co-parent or need to evaluate your custody arrangements, contact me today for a free, no-obligation consultation to discuss your unique situation. I am focused on helping parents create a positive coparenting relationship all year round.